How to Let Go of the Need to be Liked
What would be possible in your life if you no longer tried to be liked?
Most of us fear being seen at our authentic core, so we hide who we are, avoiding judgment or ridicule.
Often, we aren’t as authentic as we would like to be, and we blame that on empathy and compassion. We don’t want to hurt others we say, and so we avoid speaking our truth when someone isn’t acting, or being as we would like around us.
Here’s the truth:
Being liked isn’t about being liked at all. It is about avoiding feelings of discomfort. The most common issue we face in our desire to be liked is avoiding setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries is uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with how much empathy we feel for others. It is more about confronting ourselves as we realise we have had years of conditioning in being polite, holding our tongues and never rocking the boat, even with close family.
The fear of being disliked emerges as anxiety in the body, and that feeling can only dissipate through speaking our truth, and self acceptance (accepting the feeling and being okay with that feeling).
This is an act of self love.
How many times have you been really annoyed with someone for being late, cursing under your breath whilst waiting, and then as soon as they arrive you are all smiles, saying: ‘It’s no problem, I haven’t been here long at all’… And then that person does it again, and again.
That is just one small example of boundaries being overstepped. There are many that we encounter in our day to day lives, and it is vastly important to begin telling people that they are overstepping the mark.
Being reserved, or even shy is also linked to this. It is the courage to feel something uncomfortable, at least for the time being. When we hold back, whether it is through our body language and expression (not looking someone in the eye whilst speaking, speaking quietly etc) or through what we are saying (not setting a boundary, or telling someone we trust, a vulnerable story about ourselves) it is because we are afraid of the reaction we will get, and how that makes us feel.
So why is it important to set boundaries with others?
Resentment.
Illustration by Ben Driver
Resentment leads to passive aggression, and it leads to disconnect and distance between people. By not being truthful because of the fear of hurting someone, we end up hurting them anyway through distancing ourselves emotionally, and subtle unkindness, even hate.
By avoiding discomfort, we create discomfort. Often, anxiety with certain people is created because we do not allow ourselves to be authentic with them. Have you ever felt drained after an interaction? It’s not fun is it?
The drained feeling comes because it takes an incredible amount of energy pleasing others, i.e saying the right thing, trying to be nice, talking about things that do not interest us, hiding our true self etc.
Hiding ourselves is lonely and tiring, and hugely unsatisfying.
We can’t avoid our feelings, they come up anyway whether we do the uncomfortable things or not. Our feelings are letting us know when something is or isn’t right. It isn’t about being liked by others, it is about being liked and accepted by ourselves.
We are the ones judging ourselves as bad, not enough, shameful or guilty for saying what needs to be said, or as too much… (have you ever judged someone for being loud and outspoken? Where does that come from? Perhaps your own fear of being too much for others?).
With self acceptance, we can allow ourselves the freedom of authentic expression. Authentic expression comes from being gentle with ourselves, being okay with making mistakes, thinking more kind thoughts and being more loving in how we speak of ourselves.
It also comes from allowing our feelings to simply come and go. When we resist our feelings they often become stronger over time. We can only push them down for so long before they burst free in destructive ways.
We must allow ourselves to feel both discomfort and the other vast array of emotions that come forth in our day to day lives.
Feel it all fully, and then let go. No harsh judgment, no shoulds and should nots.
Just acceptance of what is.
We do not need to be liked and loved by others, we need to be liked and loved by ourselves first and foremost.
Being liked, respected and treated well is a by-product of our self acceptance, it should never be the goal.
About the Author: words that create
George helps you cultivate self acceptance and being through one to one, co-creative coaching. You can find him on Facebook (George Howard), and Instagram @wordsthatcreate.
